today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We had to coat check the pizza.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
