Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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