I will die if light touches me.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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