you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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