I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
