you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
