I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
