my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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