apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
