the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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