she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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