his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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