This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
