Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
