maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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