and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
