atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
