I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
