i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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