Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
