i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
