where am i from again
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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