I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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