the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
