I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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