My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
