I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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