I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
so much tequila, so little girl.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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