hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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