I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
