First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
