oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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