The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
