he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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