My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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