i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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