Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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