Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
