I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
