I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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