Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
