god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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