he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
