dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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