Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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