We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
