me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
