I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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