my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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