I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Say something about gay babies.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
