I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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