I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
